The deepest blues are black

If I die tomorrow I’d like to let you know that I haven’t gotten over you yet

If I should disappear, I’d like to say I did really love you

And appreciated you very much

And liked every touch

And I felt so very loved by you

If I should never love that way again, it’d be a shame

I may not have given you my all, but it was all I could at that time

I apologize for letting you see the sadness in my eyes

I never could hide the truth

If I should never see you again, know that I still miss you

But I’m always wishing you the best

It may be hard to think of you caring for someone else

But there’s really nothing I could do

Bitter smile, dissapointment

Time must pass

I’ve known him since first semester of second year in college in 2007. So that’s four years of friendship with this guy who seems to be stuck and will always be in the friend zone. Let’s go back to where it started…

The culminating activity of my Filipino languages class was an inter-class full day event. We had to prepare games for the teams that would be doing rounds in each station. Basically, we were forced to stay in school in the heat of the day among the trees and grass. I don’t remember enjoying it at all but I can distinctly recall my mom wrinkling her nose when she picked me up later

It’s interesting to read through all the posts I’ve done here.

I’m on a new path now. Something I’ve always wanted. I’ve been seeing this new guy but just getting-to-know. It’s tricky though because he is entirely hung over his business partner and ex-girlfriend from high school. I come in as a potential date (as he is for me) but we’re simply going with the flow. Nothing too personal.

Dada introduced us just a couple of days before she left on November 17. There were 5 of us that night and didn’t leave Dada’s house until 2:30 in the morning. It was good fun and happened again on Dada’s last night in Manila. He’d gotten my number from Dada that night.

I saw him a couple more times, I think, at his restaurant. I helped him with the layout of their office mission control center. One Saturday night I texted on a whim a close guy friend of mine to a midnight food bazaar. He was passed out sleeping so I invited this new guy instead. He surprised me by showing up just before midnight even though he was lacking sleep and was already almost home when he received my message. That was the first big sign that I knew he had interest.

Hmm lemme see, I don’t remember the next time I saw him but we did text almost daily after that. I’m not sure why but I had no hesitance to call him up and it seemed neither did he. Oh, we were supposed to go to Manila Seedling last weekend but weather was horrible so I did a raincheck. He called me almost immediately and asked if I wanted to push through with Sunday lunch. I did and smiled my biggest right after we ended the conversation. In all the times I ate at his restaurant, it was the first time he treated me for lunch at Avanetto. Sad to say but I was entirely underwhelmed with the food :)

I’m writing this now on another day and while feeling very under the weather. Continuing on, I saw him last Sunday for Christmas shopping at High Street. I drove for the second time ‘cause he had just arrived from Subic and didn’t bring a car. After having dinner at Joey Pepperoni, which he annoyingly called Joey Pep, we walked through the public art of bacteria-looking sculptures. Before going to High Street, we talked for quite a while in the car where I talked about my past love for the first time and when we had parked for High Street, we talked about his problems with Nicole (the business partner) next. That was when he got a bit touchy, not minding to rest his hand on my knee. Kind of strange noh?

That was also when I started to get frustrated with his issues with Nicole too. We went on and on about it. After that, I quite enjoyed going from store to store actually. I finally was able to get Papa a gift and he got scarves for his parents. Sometimes we walked close enough that our arms would brush against each other briefly.

Finally we were on our way back to Eat and there’s a bit of road rage from me. I wanted to get home ‘cause it was Monday work the next day. I got myself an original milk tea for take home and sure enough, Nicole was there. I think I got ticked off and just wanted to get the hell away from there :) I quickly got my drink, said bye and drove away. Kiko (that’s the guy) texted me thanks around 11:30 that night. I gave a short reply and went to sleep. It’s a Wednesday today and no texts from him so far besides a midnight message on Monday that I didn’t reply to. I was supposedly asleep but I still got up to read the text.

So here I am. I told Pael (the guy friend) that I don’t want to be the girl who goes out with a guy who likes another girl. Speaking of Pael, I asked him to call me ‘cause I had stories to tell about Kiko and my ex’s revelations about still loving me. And.. I realized Pael has been in the friend zone. Though up to now I can’t stop thinking of him as a potential interest/date.

Sigh. After the slight bitterness about Kiko, I am feeling a tiny ball of loneliness inside me again. Grr. Anyway, parents are coming home this weekend (so is the ex) so it should be more eventful. That also means not seeing Kiko, which I want to do.

November 16, 2011

To my dearest Dada,

I’ve only gotten emotional today. I was listening to RX radio. The topic for today’s top 10 was “Why did you leave me?” Since you told us you were leaving I constantly ask myself, “why does Dada have to leave?” I don’t understand but I have to accept it. Then the Morning Rush ended with Goodbye My Friend by Spice Girls. And that’s why I’m here, writing this on my office desk. Later I’ll be seeing you.

Our friendship may not be as old as Spice Girls, but I can easily pretend that you’ve been my best girlfriend since we were toddlers because that’s not far from how I feel. (We first met while still in our strollers right?) Hay nako Dada, you don’t even know how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if this gets mushy but I realized it’d be a shame not to express how much I love a friend especially if it’s nothing but the truth.

If there’s anyone in the barkada that I am most comfortable with (same with Dia), it’s you, Dada. I wish I could write onto this paper the appreciation and love I have for you. I have always held you in a very special place in my heart. You’re my little princess that I like to protect, but actually it’s me who often seek comfort from you. I listen to you because I’ve always known that I can trust you with everything.

It is beyond words how much I will miss you. I know this is definitely not goodbye but it will be a while before I can say again that “later I’ll be seeing you.” You are my source of strength Da, it may sound cliché but honestly, you are always there for me. Whatever may happen or wherever life takes us, please never forget that that there’s always a friend in me just a Skype away.  And we’ll see each other in a few years right?

I love you so much and I wish you all the happiness in this chapter of your life. I know you are strong. I cannot begin to think of all the beautiful things I’ll miss about you because I feel like I will break down. But you know, you are so wonderful and I can’t keep you all to myself. Canada’d be lucky to have you. Haha.

Filinvesters forever,

Kimi

P.S.- Confession, you are the person in the barkada na gusto ko laging kasama sa gimik kasi pag wala ka parang nawawalan na rin ako ng gana. Haha! I think you’re the “glue” that keeps us all together, really.

P.P.S.- I will miss all our out of town trips especially to the beach, the sleepovers and mornings after! The Fuego-Cavite trips were one of the best.

I LOVE YOU DADA!

With words I used to seek shoulder and shelter

A place I had found in my teens

We were together and ironically, it made me feel whole

-

I grasp now but nothing touches my fingers

Perhaps I have lost its magic

Lacking the innocent inspiration

-

It had come so easily

As natural as waves crash and retreat from shore

As endlessly as leaves receive light

-

I had hoped to rediscover that pleasure

To become drunk in its deep comfort

Even a means to define the self

-

I’ll keep trying just to gift myself some purpose

If I don’t find it here,

I would be entirely defeated

In the end, everything works up to mending,

The boat stitched to a split of ocean finally arriving,

-

On a shore neither fire nor a spread of sorrow.

The sky blended into its water shadow, we admire

-

The quality of light as it anoints our shoulders,

Our self-chosen names surfacing to our throats.

-

Shattered, smoldering, unhusked, fully exhausted,

Our lives surprise us, how they managed to inflict

-

A skeleton of order in the world, the great undoing.

Oh, how we want to laugh, with tears in our eyes!

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“It’s always darkest before the dawn” the song says. Listening now to the radio from my cellphone. Goodness, these words are my only life line now. I get struck with a wave of loneliness and there’s not much I can do except let it out here. I have to or else I’ll just feel worse.

Good thing that last night I was finally able to talk with my guy friend. It made me smile and laugh (more than I’ve done in a while.) Anyway, it was good. And he texted this morning with a good morning and to embrace this new day. That was nice to read. I wish I’d felt better today. It’s going to be a long one, I’m flying to Singapore at 9pm and arriving at 1am.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t know if I can feel any more lonely than I already am, but I’m sure I could. As my friend said, it’ll pass, it just takes time. Wow, I have a lot of time.

I’m just… lonely, you know?