The deepest blues are black: Archive

The thing about being single

Is that all your pent up thoughts stay with you and you’ve got no one to share them with. Even the minute things I want to tell someone but there’s no one around. Hmm..

Feb 10th

Things I can't say

If I die tomorrow I’d like to let you know that I haven’t gotten over you yet If I should disappear, I’d like to say I did really love you And appreciated you very much And liked every touch And I felt so very loved by you If I should never love that way again, it’d be a shame I may not have given you my all, but it was all I could at that time I apologize for...

Jan 14th

Getting frustrated

I’ve known him since first semester of second year in college in 2007. So that’s four years of friendship with this guy who seems to be stuck and will always be in the friend zone. Let’s go back to where it started… The culminating activity of my Filipino languages class was an inter-class full day event. We had to prepare games for the teams that would be doing rounds in...

Jan 5th

“I’d love to be loveless and beaming.”

Jan 5th

Here we go

It’s interesting to read through all the posts I’ve done here. I’m on a new path now. Something I’ve always wanted. I’ve been seeing this new guy but just getting-to-know. It’s tricky though because he is entirely hung over his business partner and ex-girlfriend from high school. I come in as a potential date (as he is for me) but we’re simply going with...

Dec 14th

A letter

November 16, 2011 To my dearest Dada, I’ve only gotten emotional today. I was listening to RX radio. The topic for today’s top 10 was “Why did you leave me?” Since you told us you were leaving I constantly ask myself, “why does Dada have to leave?” I don’t understand but I have to accept it. Then the Morning Rush ended with Goodbye My Friend by Spice Girls. And that’s why I’m here, writing this on...

Nov 28th

Nov 11th

5:22 pm

With words I used to seek shoulder and shelter A place I had found in my teens We were together and ironically, it made me feel whole - I grasp now but nothing touches my fingers Perhaps I have lost its magic Lacking the innocent inspiration - It had come so easily As natural as waves crash and retreat from shore As endlessly as leaves receive light - I had hoped to rediscover that...

Oct 27th

Mending

In the end, everything works up to mending, The boat stitched to a split of ocean finally arriving, - On a shore neither fire nor a spread of sorrow. The sky blended into its water shadow, we admire - The quality of light as it anoints our shoulders, Our self-chosen names surfacing to our throats. - Shattered, smoldering, unhusked, fully exhausted, Our lives surprise us, how they managed...

Oct 27th

This is real

“It’s always darkest before the dawn” the song says. Listening now to the radio from my cellphone. Goodness, these words are my only life line now. I get struck with a wave of loneliness and there’s not much I can do except let it out here. I have to or else I’ll just feel worse. Good thing that last night I was finally able to talk with my guy friend. It made me...

Oct 27th

“Out with the old, in with the new.”

Oct 25th

Finally

Typing spontaneously now. Okay, it’s official right? We are no longer the same friends as we were for the past 8 years. Last night at McDonald’s we laid down the cards and made everything clear. Black or white. Done. Time to really move on. The real moving on. Your friends were right, stop the bullshit and no more trying to be friends. Okay, sure it breaks my heart that we are...

Oct 25th

Being honest

You’re leaving soon. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this now on my own. I think it’s obvious that we’ve both tried to get on without each other, especially these past few weeks. I guess it would be harder for you, leaving your family and then starting anew on your own. I’m not sure but I might move to Singapore next year too. Who knows. I really hope the next...

Oct 24th

Picking through my feelings

Okay. Yes, I felt extremely hurt when you wouldn’t allow me to post on my Facebook status that we were together for a massage. That was the only time in all the years of our relationship that I felt you actually couldn’t be known to have spent time with me. Of course I immediately had guesses as to why someone would get mad at you for being with me. I think that like my own friends,...

Oct 17th

I really shouldn't

Ugh. There’s thing thing happening. I shouldn’t be checking on Facebook if this person is online. Ack. I mean.. just.. this shouldn’t be happening. It’s not right. I don’t want it. But I still do it. I hope it’s only because he’s the only guy around. Grrr. And I was supposed to meet him the other night but we ended up sticking with our own friends. Oh...

Oct 10th

So that’s that. Lovers then, friends now. Why is my being single often a point of interest? Some seem to wonder why no one is seeming me? Notice that I didn’t say “I’m not seeing anyone?” Sigh. Am I that bad? Something wrong maybe?

Aug 15th

Oh we are on a roller coaster ride Why am I still sitting here? I should be there staring at you (haha) Words, words, words “Represents my heart”, JT said Friday night, what Looking, checking, click, click Shouldn’t be doing that They said it’s fun to be single Oh yes, yes. No, no. Bookstore guy, let’s go.

Aug 5th

Night

Our childhood gets stolen from us We listen afraid Aggravated Wishing to envelope in silence Staring with sad eyes They stole our childhood We’re forever scarred no matter How much we’ve gone through life We’re marked, permanently damaged Always remembering and stuck in reverse I lie still

Jul 1st

But it is what it is

How do I know it is the end of something that was truly wonderful? I often find myself in deep thought, contemplating my emotions. I’m not a lonely person. Not until this year. I’m not doing anything about it because I feel the time will simply come when I realize I’m no longer lonely. I suppose there really isn’t anything I can do about it except go through my everyday...

Jun 27th

So this is how it feels

Yesterday would have been our 8th anniversary. It was my mom’s birthday too. And apparently my brother and sister-in-law’s 13th anniversary as well since they started going out. It felt quite strange going through the day as if it wasn’t a significant date for us.

Jun 27th

After a late meeting

Zoning out Eyes tired Blur spots Why is the coffee not kicking in? Air condition still makes my eyes dry Belly filled with coffee Dizzy in the car

Jun 27th

Even at 23

What is heaven? Is it having spotless skin? Is it having a perfect flat tummy? Is it having the highest score in an exam? Is it being labeled the good girl? Is it having self control when you really want to rant? What is it?

Jun 15th

Drained

I’m so tired. I don’t like when my parents argue. Even worse tonight when my dad spoke to me with a loud voice. He often talks to my mom as if she were also one of his many employees and staff but tonight is the first time he talked to me that way. It doesn’t feel good, not at all. I designed our new kitchen, and I feel like every time I’ll see the kitchen, I’ll...

May 17th

Steady

I said I’d try to write here everyday to monitor my emotions as I go through this process, but weekends usually occupy my time with the real world - family time. I’m feeling okay, thank God. I’m returning to the OBGYN in a couple of days. I’ve withdrawn money from my savings so I can pay for the vaccine that I’ll be taking. I hope things continue to get better....

Apr 18th

Sad

I’m not a sad person. In fact, I think most people would say that I’m very cheerful. More hyper than the average person. I believe I have been depressed during middle school but other than that, I’ve gotten along pretty well. I’ve always been a people person but only when I’m comfortable. At 22, I think I’m going down that dark road again. I don’t mean to...

Apr 15th

“No, I am devastated.”

Apr 14th

What is down?

That’s me. I don’t like that this Tumblr account is filled with my issues, but it’s precisely why I made this. It’s my only outlet while the other is my everyday blog and where people know me. I’m learning that time is the only way I can move on from my previous relationship. I have to let time run its course so I can feel okay again. The problem is I don’t...

Apr 6th

Time

What was it about time from Dear John movie? “The problem with time, I’ve learned… eventually time always runs out.” The thing is with time, you can only hold on to it for so long. It will run its course and slowly you realize you’ve lost your grasp on the memories. [After chatting briefly with my closest cousin who lives on the other side of the world and...

Mar 11th

Blah

Felt like shit today. Coming home made me feel a bit better. Anyway, three days before going to Turkey :)

Mar 2nd

Down

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel as lonely as I do.

Feb 3rd

I need you to know this

Please listen because I mean these words that I will be saying. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I feel like we haven’t done the real break up thing. We’re still doing things we’re used to doing like praying together on the phone before we sleep, texting in the middle of the day, talking at night on how our day went. Though I haven’t been doing the talking much...

Jan 6th

Just something

December 30, 2010 I don’t wear our rings anymore. I’m not sure if the family noticed. Maybe they have. Does it matter? I can’t be sure. My aunt asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said I was looking for one. I could laugh at that but I can’t right now. This frustrates me. I’ve just been out of a 7 year relationship. I hope someday I find love and happiness again.

Jan 1st

A poem

December 30, 2010 In a place I’ve gone to since high school In the mountains, zigzag road, cliffs and fog Chilly night, goosebumps on my skin Walking up, down, on stepping stones Grass creeping on the edges Orange flame dancing on firewood Radiating warmth and light Burst! Crackling sound You’d think it would soothe me But no Alone. Wishing ther was someone to walk with Even just a...

Jan 1st

On vacation

December 30, 2010 I guess you just get lonely sometimes. It sucks to be out of town with family and yet you still feel alone. I enter a place and do a look around wondering if my special significant other is somewhere in the same place. Maybe we’ll only find out in the future that we had crossed paths once but only didn’t know it then. I wish it would be like that. There’s ...

Jan 1st

Relief

I’m sorry that it doesn’t hurt me to delete saved messages on my phone. It’s strange reading a couple of them. That was us.

Dec 14th

Lonely

I’m sad down to my bones. I feel it inside me. I look into space often in the middle of my work. I sigh, realize I’m spacing out and try to focus on work again. God, I want to get over this break up already. I want her to get over me and refrain from being sweet. Let’s just be friends. Please. She still stays at our house every weekend and it makes things more difficult....

Dec 13th

Better I suppose

The last week hasn’t been well for me, in sleeping at least. I take about an hour before I finally fall asleep. The new house being constructed outside my window doesn’t help either. I finally was able to set a date to see my friend. Walking in our old university this Sunday afternoon should be good. I know I’ve hurt her when I said about my plans with him. No smiley faces on...

Dec 8th

Dream

I’ve dreamed of him at least twice more already. I feel like I should just make the first move and invite him out already so I can stop thinking about this. We really are jus friends anyway. It’s frustrating that I want to talk to him like we’ve always done but I don’t want anything to develop just ‘cause I’m single now. I honestly just want to catch up. I...

Nov 25th

Lone afternoon

Gah it’s such a slow afternoon. By myself in my room where I’m supposed to be working but I’d spent the last hour watching Keeping up with the Kardashians. I wish I could go out with my friends but everyone seems to be busy with school and work. I’d go ride my bike but it looks too hot outside and I’m supposed to be working anyway. I don’t do well alone in...

Nov 17th

Dating

The fact is I am lonely. A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I had my head rested on a guy’s arm while lounging on a sofa. We were watching something like in a lounge or some public place. It’s the first time I dreamed about something like that. Last week this guy I know was in one of my dreams. For some reason he refused to pay me any attention, which is what is happening in...

Nov 17th

Party

I might be going to my friends’ med school party this weekend. Their college parties before were usually loud, booze around and neon lights dancing. This time is only a year after college so their parties probably wouldn’t change much. I hope it’s fun ‘cause I’m looking forward to my first night out as a single gal. I don’t know if I want to go crazy (probably...

Oct 25th

Hard truth

I still love her and that’s the truth. It became more real when I was talking to Hiyas about it. I was unveiling what we had and it made things more real, the emotions almost tangible. I miss her so much. I thought I was holding up fairly okay and that’s how I’d made it out to my friends too, but in reality I’m yearning for physical companionship. I’d like to be held...

Oct 23rd

1 note

Request

I’d very much like to have lunch with you, please. When are you free? It’s so easy to send you a text message. But I suppose it’s too early to have lunch. Not after what just happened to me. Next month maybe? It’s getting crazy.

Oct 19th

Beginning

Sometimes one tumblr is not enough for one person. Here I am in my refuge. This should keep me a little more sane. Freer to say how I feel and what I want to say without anyone knowing me. It’s me.

Oct 18th