Sad
I’m not a sad person. In fact, I think most people would say that I’m very cheerful. More hyper than the average person. I believe I have been depressed during middle school but other than that, I’ve gotten along pretty well. I’ve always been a people person but only when I’m comfortable. At 22, I think I’m going down that dark road again. I don’t mean to say that I’m depressed but this time is the worst in my short adult life.
I’ve just broken off a 7 year relationship 6 months ago. I was coping well enough until the last couple of months. I broke things off thinking I could be dating soon again and experience what I thought I was missing in those 7 years. I really thought I’d be having a change of lifestyle; going out on Friday nights, drinking ‘til past midnight, and seeing people. So far, I have been going out often but always with my close friends.
Anyway, to get straight to the point, I just received bad news this week. It started with getting delayed periods. It has never been regular but the 2 month delay got me worried because I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I had my transrectal ultrasound of the ovaries because my OBGY suspected I might have polycystic ovaries. It turns out I have polycystic-like features in both ovaries. The day after the ultrasound, I met with my OBGYN and she explained that due to hormonal imbalance, not one of my follicles are dominating. That means I am not ovulating where I should be producing an egg. Sigh. This would not mean so much to me because having children are not in my immediate plans.
I am on the “pill”, it has both qualities of functioning as a contraceptive, but more importantly for me, it regulates my hormones. It suppresses my ovaries from producing its own estrogen, which I have too much of. The pill provides me the correct dose of estrogen and androgen. Just like using the “pill” as a contraceptive, I take it for 21 days and then stop for 7 days. In those 7 days, I experience bleeding, but does not mean that this is my menstrual period. I can cope up with these things, though it is entirely alien to me because I am not sexually active therefore I shouldn’t be on the “pill” if it were not for my hormonal imbalance.
The OBGYN was explaining to me that I didn’t need to have a pap smear because I haven’t had sex, but because I have engaged in sexual activity, I said I should have the pap smear. Had I not taken it, I would have been thinking about it for days, even weeks. I wanted to have my pap smear because I simply wanted to be assured that I’m healthy. As soon as I lied down on the bed and spread my legs open, the OBGYN immediately said I have HPV. I was shocked because only just earlier she was explaining in detail about HPV and the importance of getting the vaccine that may protect women from cervical cancer.
“I have HPV,” I repeated with a blank stare. I didn’t understand how I could be saying those words. The 3 words that sound as scary as “HIV” or “AIDS”. Of course HPV is far from HIV or AIDS, but it truly sounded as serious and threatening. What scared me the most is that HPV is supposedly only transmitted sexually. I don’t understand, I’ve never had sex! Never. Did I get this from the other sexual activities? I had to tell my ex, which happens to be my best friend, that she should get tested in case she has it too.
I was confused. I had a big secret I wanted to keep from my family. I paid for my own pap smear, and will have to save money to get the Gardasil vaccine soon. It’s not cheap at all but I have to because now I have HPV. Two days after I found out, I still can’t believe it. I’m going back to my OBGYN next week to find out the pap smear results. I hope there’s no more bad news. Is it possible that she misdiagnosed the very small spots we saw?
I just started my first pill last night after reading the accompanying instructions twice. I even highlighted the most important facts I want to remember. It did say that some users of the pill have experienced some kind of sadness, but not necessarily because of the pill. In any case, I want to document my emotions by writing here daily if time permits.
I feel so alone in so many ways. I don’t know where this is going. I’m afraid.
